Re: Starting a New Thread

[BecW]

I think cuntcustard was mine, as is windy occupation, but I honestly can't remember if I did fucktwat or not. I make up new words all the time.

I had to make up windy occupation the day I asked my EX over the phone if he needed a blow job to make his shitty day better. The loud, resounding "CLICK" was, we can only assume, my daughter (12 or so at the time) hanging up the phone in mortification. It's since been known as windy occupation, and I haven't said blow job out loud since that day.

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

Cew, probably not for the time being. We were using this time with me working to pay off bills quicker than the minimum payments were requiring. We have a little credit card debt, but most of it is student loans and the house and car. I wanted to get the credit card debt gone before we started trying (and it looked like we could do that after H's next two bonus checks and our tax refund).

H is going to figure out exactly what is going on with our budget as soon as we figure out exactly how many hours I'm going to be working (it keeps going between 20 and 30, mostly settling on 24), and we'll go from there. His bonuses are commission based, so those change quarterly and we never count on them.

The other thought we had (which is a good compromise) is that one of us could be home with the imaginary baby 3 days a week (me for 2, him for 1), and then see if we could find a family member or friend to take care of IB for the other 2 days. I'd feel much more secure leaving IB with someone I know than a random daycare. And I'd love it to be MIL, but I cannot subject IB to cigarette smoke all the time, and she refuses to smoke outside of her home or business (even though it's illegal to smoke in her store).

[cew515]

Vogt - I left Ben with a family friend for the first 2 years of his life and I am so thankful for that. I put him in daycare when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer b/c the family friend was only able to keep him until 4 and my mom would pick him up in the afternoon. It was the best situation. He was in a family situation until he was two and then he went to day care which helped tremendously with socialization.

Right now, Jack (my half brother) has only ever been in in-home care situations and it's really been detrimental to him. He's not potty trained (he's 4!!!!) and he is scared of everything. He also acts like an entitled shit 90% of the time.

My point to this long ass post is that while I understand your hesistation to put your IB in daycare ( and would agree that it might not be the best scenario for tiny babies), it was the best thing that I could have done for Ben.

[FutureMrsTR]

Holy crap, I missed so much while I was trying to help FI buy a new pair of jeans on my lunch hour. That boy is so damn picky.

Anyway, Vogt - that sucks about your job, can you go milk cows at a neighboring farm or something?

Bec - banks are fucktards most of the time, but at least the manager is admitting that you're right!

In general, fuck hair for me is just a mess of tangles so it's no good. I'm excited that that's not censored on here, haha.

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

I don't think daycare is wrong in every situation, so I hope I didn't come across that way

H and I were both raised by our mom's, but very well socialized. I was in activities with other kids my age and had a pretty social neighborhood. In H's family, you're automatically socialized, especially because the town is so small. I definitely don't want to raise a child who can't play well with others

I don't mind the idea of daycare, but I trust so few people in this world. I already have anxiety attacks at the thought of leaving IB with anyone but H or someone in his immediate family or my very best friend, and IB doesn't even exist. If I could find someone I trust, then it would be a whole other sitaution. And as they get older, I imagine some of the anxiety would go away (or I hope so anyway!)

[cew515]

I promise I didn't take it that way. I felt the same way you do up until I actually had to put him in daycare. I was just trying to make you feel better about the possibility of it. Do you have any family friends that could keep IB?

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

TR - I actually suggested something similar to H (we raise beef cows, not dairy cows). I am the type of person who likes to come up with new business ventures, I'm just not very good at following through. I thought H and his family could keep me on track with farm stuff.

He gently suggested that I might be more comfortable sticking to wedding invtiations

[missy68]

If I lived there, I'd SOO be your babysitter. If I was just a little closer!!!

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

I would trust my best friend to care for IB - but she lives an hour away (and is trying to move even farther). Sad. But anyway, most of my family friends all live where I work, which is an hour away.

H's family is GREAT with kids, but all of them work, except for my SIL and MIL (who works, but owns her own business - H's niece and nephew spent the first two years of their lives in the business). My SIL would be great if it was just her & BIL and her kids, but she also has foster kids. I really admire and respect her for doing that, but I don't think that it's a good environment for a newborn (especially for some of the more troubled kids she takes sometimes).

H & I have talked about becoming foster parents before all of this happened, and that's something he brought up when we were talking. It would allow me to stay home, and still have some income. But, like I said, I'm not sure that's the best environment for a newborn.

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

Dang it Missy! Move closer!! There are two houses for sale on our road. We would live less than a mile from one another. Which, in my world, would make you my next-door neighbor

[cew515]

I've thought about keeping foster kids several times. I always talk myself out of it for fear that it would not be a good environment for Ben. You are not alone in your worries. I might revisit it when he is older, though.

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

SIL has 2 foster kids right now who are 14 & 16. We love them, so don't get me wrong - they're basically good kids who've had a very crappy life. And SIL had their middle sister a few months back - we loved her to pieces too, but she ran away and now has to be monitored all the time.

Anyway - the other night we were all at dinner at the IL's, and the foster kids were sharing stories about all the bad things they'd done in their previous schools, and how they were trying to get away with things at their current school. Things like cutting class, cheating, smoking behind the building, and whatnot. I know it's not that big of a deal, but that stuff doesn't generally happen in small towns because people notice if a kid is missing, and there's nowhere to GO. Someone will notice you're not in school and call your mom

But, the whole time they were telling these stories, our nephew (he's 9) had his eyes glued on them and was listening intently. It scares me to think that he's learning things for them and might go in the wrong direction. I think my SIL could definitely prevent that from happening, but she doesn't have the foresight to sit down with our niece and nephew and explain that their behavior isn't something the aspire to. Instead, she laughed at the funny stories.

I told H on the way home if we ever decide to do foster care, we need to be very aware of how to have a household that doesn't judge the behavior the kids may have done in the past, but also let everyone know that it will not be tolerated in the future. I imagine that's a really hard balance to keep.

[cew515]

That's my fear. I wouldn't want them to influence Ben. I know that if I had older kids, they would likely do the same thing, but I feel like I would have more control if that were the case.

I also have a terrible fear of molestation. It borders on crippling. I worry about it day and night and my fear (all be it on the irrational side) is that I would get a child who was sexually abused and they would do something to Ben. I've just heard so many horror stories.

[missy68]

I don't blame either of you. I think, from the kids' perspective, it's (the behavior) about survival and attention. I don't know how some of them grow up to become functioning adults; I truly don't. I listen to this saga almost daily from the shared office space but it isn't foster kids. If something isn't actively changed, it perpetuates in some form; kind of like addiction.

This is similar to why my brother and SIL want to adopt an infant and not an older child who's been given up. (They also walked away from a child who's mother tested positive for drugs after saying she'd stopped and 6 weeks after a negative drug test - that's why no niece for me in January). There's so much already imprinted on these children; and I don't blame either of you for being protective of Ben or IB.

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

It's not an unrealistic fear. Depending on the agency, you can say that you don't want kids who have certain behaviors or histories. It wouldn't make sense for them to not consider your biological children in placements.

I think if you do it right, it can be a very educational experience for bio kids. Explain to them beforehand that the new kids may not behave in a way that is appropriate. Set up clear rules for the house and hold all the kids accountable for them from day one. I think that's where my SIL gets in trouble...her bio kids aren't well-behaved and don't have many rules that are enforced, so there's no way she would enforce rules with the foster kids.

H & I had our niece and nephew one night and they were talking about a "cool" story one of the kids had told them about running away. We dropped everything and sat down with them to talk about it and explain why that wasn't "cool" and why that's not a good idea. They honestly didn't know that it was something they shouldn't do - because no one ever told them how dangerous running away could be. It scares me for them that SIL doesn't think of these things. And then makes me not want to leave my IBs with her as a result

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

If I didn't want kids, or didn't have kids, it wouldn't be a question. I'd take a kid who'd been sexually abused because I feel so badly for them. They need love and protection and nurturing even more than kids who haven't been in that situation. And there's a very real chance that with that kind of care, they could grow up to be functioning and overcome their childhood issues.

I used to work with an organization who helped rehab sex offenders and while some of them are just ridiculous, some really can't help it. It's awful to see the pain in their eyes - they don't want to act on things, but they don't know how to stop themselves. And it started for a lot of them when they were very young. And there aren't programs out there to help you before you've done something bad, they make you wait until you get caught.

I know someone whose husband was in that situation - he was molested as a child, had the urge, knew it was wrong and wanted to get help for it, and couldn't find a program or therapist who would take him on because he'd never offended. It's such a sad situation.

[missy68]

Excellent thinking on your part, and way to take advantage of a learning opportunity. Kids don't think about implications or beyond the egocentric world they live in (that's their stage of development) - it's all cool, because it's about the adventure, not about where the food comes from or the danger, because they've never had to worry about it before.

Reminds me of Andy in the store, thinking he didn't have to pay for something, because he'd never paid before. He didn't realize that - he thought you just picked out what you wanted and walked out, because that's what he did (someone else paid, of course). He had to wait for Emmie to pay!

[cew515]

Vogt, you're awesome. I really admire how much thought you've put into this. I really think you are going to be an awesome mommy to IB.

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

Missy - absolutely! I was the same way when I was little. I thought running away would be the coolest thing ever. I made it all of 3 houses before I came running back because I didn't know how to cross the street without my mom helping me look for cars (I was like 4 at the time).

I'm petrified of raising kids - I think I could be a pretty good mom and H would be a great dad - but there's only so much you can control. I have no idea what the other little hoodlums at school would be telling my kids is cool. Just have to hope and pray they do the right thing and you taught them right from wrong.

Thanks for the compliment Cew! That means a lot, especially coming from you, because from everything I can tell, you're an AWESOME mom to Ben

[missy68]

Agree wholeheartedly.

[cew515]

Thanks Vogt! That made my day. Raising kids is easy as long as you are not a complete fucking idiot.

[FutureMrsTR]

Thanks Vogt! That made my day. Raising kids is easy as long as you are not a complete fucking idiot.

Unfortunately, so many people are.

[AlreadyMrsVogt]

LOL, I think that should be your siggy quote

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